Really long vent

I've realized a lot during these last couple of months. I guess I needed to realize it, but the process definitely wasn't fun. Overall, this semester has pretty much been miserable. I'm not enjoying school at all, and I have to force myself to go to class. I just don't care anymore. I've never liked school, but I've always had motivation to do well. I doubt anyone here would be able to guess that I finished historian of my class in high school. It's just not there anymore. But school's not the biggest thing on my mind. I'm just so angry at myself. I've always tried to make sure I didn't let the circumstances in my life determine my happiness. For the most part, I've succeeded in that. But lately, I've just let everything build up to the point that I'm never happy. I know that I'm soooo blessed and I don't deserve any of it. Sure, things aren't how I would like them but could they ever be? I've always tried to stand firm in the fact that God is ALL I need. And I still know that deep down inside, but I've been focusing more on what I want. I've always struggled with being alone. It's been one of my biggest fears since I was young. And I've always gone through periods in my life where I felt completely alone. I've never understood how so many wonderful people that I really felt were there for me could come in and out of my life like they do. I can track it back to when I was five years old. My best friend moved away and I haven't seen her since. Since then, friends, youth directors, family members, and mentors have come and gone either by moving, death, circumstances we don't need to go into, and by pure choice. I think that's why I have such a hard time trusting people and laying myself out there. I know I'm going to lose them, so what's the point? Honestly, every single time I get close to someone, I lose them. Every time. And when it rains, it pours. It seems like it's all at one time. Sr. year, between August and November I lost three very important people in my life. The reasons for two didn't make the situation any easier. I can't even think about it. I felt so totally alone, and it was only by the grace of God that I made it through. That's what I tend to lose focus of. Even when I feel completely alone, I'm not. And I know that, I really do. It would just be nice to have "love with skin on" as my old preacher used to put it. I can't physically hug God. I can't verbally carry on a conversation with Him. I don't say this to discredit God or His power by any means. It's just really hard. Okay, now to what I've realized. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything. I haven't completely depended on God as my rock in quite a while, and I guess that's because everything was going so great. I had the best summer I've ever had. It was awesome. The thing is, I was growing closer to God and learning more about it. Spiritually, I was on top of a mountain. I guess I can kind of compare it to Job. I was happy, things were going great, so I was spiritually content. But I wasn't relying on God; I wasn't humble to the fact that He is the only thing that is consistent in my life. Now, I have no choice but to acknowledge that He is all I need. I've been in one of the deepest valleys spiritually these past couple of months. I feel like I've failed God. I feel like I'm such a disappointment to Him because I'm feeling all of these things. I'm being tested, and I'm failing miserably. He's given me so much, and here I am complaining. What do I have to complain about? I've yet to find a difficult circumstance or event in my life that didn't bring me closer to God. And most of that had to do with becoming so humble that I knew that God was the ONLY thing that could bring me through. Deep down I know that this time in my life will be no different. But right now, I still feel so dry. I'm ashamed. I'm allowing my circumstances to determine my happiness. I should be happy just to be a child of God. That should be enough for me. And I'm mad at myself for not allowing it to be. I'm just praying that God will give me the strength to get through this.
Here are some lyrics that really encourage me.

"You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." -DCB

"God wants to hear you sing when the waves are crashing round you
When the firey darts surround you, when despair is all you see
God wants to hear your voice when the wisest man has spoken
And says your circumstance is as hopeless as can be
That's when God wants to hear you sing.
He loves to hear our praise on our cheerful days
When the pleasant times outweigh the bad by far
But when suffering comes along and we still bring him songs
That is when we bless the Father's heart." -Greater Vision

That's what I want to do. I want to bless the Father's heart. It's just so hard. But I do feel a little better. Venting is nice, even if it is to a computer screen. I used to think that it damaged my witness to talk about things like this. I'm supposed to be strong...I'm supposed to be perfect...I can't fail or people will think I'm not a good disciple. You know what? All that is crap. I am weak, and any strength I do have comes only from God. I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be. And I do fail... a lot. I know I can't do it on my own. Now I realize that sharing my struggles is more of a witness to people. The Christian life isn't supposed to be easy. But God is always there to pick me up time and time again. God, give me strength.