Making my decision

If you've been reading my blog for a while then you've probably heard my rants and worries about nursing school and all that jazz. Well, there's good news. Nursing school will no longer be stressing me out because I'm no longer going. As soon as school starts next week, I'll be officially changing my major to Human Development and Family Studies. There are a lot of factors that contributed to this decision. I've always loved the medical field- I'm addicted to Trauma:Life in the ER, House, Untold Stories of the ER...you get the idea. And some of the most exciting experiences I've had were while working on an ambulance. I didn't decide to go for nursing until my senior year of high school. But I really struggled with it my first year of college. I would be a good nurse. I would enjoy it, and it would be fulfilling to help people. But I just don't think it's where God's calling me to be. That brings me to my next big decision. Everyone keeps asking me what kind of job I can have with a HDFS major. Well, I don't really plan to pursue a career with this exact major, but to use it to prepare me for what I really want to do. So....after I graduate, I'm going to seminary. Yep, seminary. I'll have to make the decision of which one later, but I've narrowed it down to Asbury or Candler. I'm leaning toward college or youth ministry, but I'm not completely disregarding the idea of ordination. I've gotten some great advice from some pastor buddies, and the best route is probably getting a Masters of Divinity degree. That way, I have a wide variety of options and I'm not limited to one particular area such as youth director, missions, etc.

With nursing, it was more of an "I guess this will do" kind of thing rather than a "this is what I'm really passionate about" kind of thing. I've toyed around with the idea of seminary for about four years. I always tried not to think too much about it because it really scared me. It's three or four more years of school...and I honestly can't stand school. It's moving away, Kentucky or Atlanta...and I don't deal well with change. It's a new accountability...and hypocrisy is one of my greatest fears. Because of all these things, I pushed the idea away. But at the end of last semester, it hit me that the nursing thing just wasn't going to work. I had so many questions. What am I supposed to do with my life? It was in that confusion and brokenness that God really revealed His plan. I can't explain it...it just feels right for the first time. That's not to say I'm still not terrified. It's a big step, and I know it's not going to easy. But at the same time, I have a peace about it. I've been really frustrated lately because I haven't exactly gotten the support I would have hoped for with this decision. Actually, the only people I've talked to who actually seemed excited and encouraging have been preachers. But I think they might be just a little biased. It's hard to make such a huge decision just to have it discouraged. But even though it's disappointing, I'm actually glad people have tried talking me out of it. It's made ME make the decision. This isn't something that can be done because someone else wants me to. It's between me and God. That's it. So as tough as it is, the lack of support has really been a blessing. Money's been the main issue. It's like that's supposed to be my main motivation for doing things. It's not that I think money doesn't matter at all...but it's far down on the list of the most important things in my life. There are three words that I constantly have to tell myself that go along with this. GOD WILL PROVIDE. And big surprise, it's the name of a song!

God will provide beyond what we imagine
So much more than we can fathom
He will supply
God will provide when we trust in Him completely
And take each step believing like a child
God will provide.

I've just got to have faith that if God brings me to it, He'll bring me through it. Hey, He hasn't failed me yet. Why doubt Him now? As often as I get discouraged, I honestly can't say He's ever let me down. He's got a plan for me, and though it's often difficult to see how that plan works, we've got to simply trust Him. Another thing I've been struggling with is a huge feeling of unworthiness. I mean, who am I to do this? Who am I? It was almost to the point that I chose not to follow through with this decision. But Nolan helped me out with that one, as well as some other issues. I'm going to quote him, but I'm sure he has all this copyrighted so don't steal it. :op "I remember clearly a preaching professor that talked about never standing in the pulpit without thinking "who am I" to be the one that delivers the word of truth today. It is an awesome responsibility and one not to be taken lightly. The mystery that God chooses to use people like you and me to lead and shape his people is crazy in our logical minds. Ultimately, it isn't you that is doing it. Done rightly, God is working in and through you, and whether you go to seminary or not, God is going to do that." Very well spoken.

I know this isn't going to easy, but it's relieving to stop wrestling so much and just allow God to show me His will. So, there's my announcement/ramble about that. Don't worry, you'll probably hear plenty more about the subject. In the mean time, prayers are much appreciated. Not only about this, but band camp started this week! War Eagle! And it's H-O-T out there. But it's going to be a great season...we've got roughly 375 members this year, the largest band in the history of Auburn. Anyway, I'm exhausted...and you probably are too after reading this long thing. My bad, I get going and just can't stop! God bless and goodnight.