I've been sitting here staring at the computer screen trying to figure out how to start this post. I like everything I write to sound eloquent...but I could really care less right now. So I'm just going to type and see what happens. Some of this might sound a little familiar from previous posts...sorry. I've been doing a lot of self analyzing lately, so just bear with me.
I consider myself a fairly introverted person. I've always been pretty shy. I can be really crazy and outgoing too, it just depends on my environment and the people I'm around. Overall, I tend to be a loner. I'm used to doing things by myself. Whether it's going to a movie or sitting in my apartment, I'm usually doing it alone. And for the most part, I'm cool with that. Most of my very memorable "God times" have been during a long solo drive to/from Chrysalis and Emmaus, camp, etc. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I'm comfortable alone because it's what I'm used to. But I can't help but realizing over and over again that my happiness relies on other people.
VERY few people really know me, I could count them on one hand. I have a ton of "friends" thanks to band, Wesley Foundation, camp, and Chrysalis. I've made friendships that will last a lifetime. But even people I consider to be my closest friends probably couldn't tell you more about me than the usual facebook info. It's my own fault so I have no right to complain about it. I just don't open up to people. The two or three people that I consider to honestly know me would tell you that in order to find out information, you have to literally ask me direct questions and drag it out. I guess that's for a lot of reasons. I really don't see myself as having good social skills. First of all, I'm almost to the point of being paranoid. I automatically assume I annoy people. Also, I'm very analytical. I don't let things roll off my back. It doesn't have to be anything big. Someone can say something that in no way was meant to be or sound offensive. But I replay it in my head over and over and over until I become convinced that person can't stand me anymore. I was trying to figure out why I do that, and I think I came up with a little something. Unconditional love is one of the things I have the hardest time comprehending. I know none of us can truly comprehend the full magnitude of God's unconditional love, it's incredible. But even though I know it's true, I still struggle with it. I've experienced conditional love from a relationship that is meant to reflect unconditional love. We like to think that a love that a father has for his child can't be broken...and I don't think it should. But that's just the way it's been for me. I think I associate that conditionalness with everyone. If my own father thinks he can no longer love me because of something I did or didn't do, how can I expect "normal people" to be any different? I know that's not fair. So many people have supported my through thick and thin and I feel like I'm not giving them enough credit.
Another reason I don't open up to people is because I feel it's not worth it sometimes. Every time I decide to just go for it, something happens and I lose that person. Whether by moving away, death, their own choice, or drama that we won't go into right now, something always happens that prevents them from being in my life anymore. However, God has always provided. It seems like as one person leaves, another enters. You've heard it before...when one door closes, another door opens. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's all been for a reason. I could go on and on about the amazing things God has done through everything that's happened. But even though I know God has always been and will always be faithful, it still hurts. I constantly tell myself that I'm just done. Why bother opening myself up to someone just to have it ripped away? Above all else, I'm being called to love. And loving people makes you vulnerable.
Sorry this post is so long. I'm really not trying to complain, there's been on my mind lately. I took a risk and thought I made a great friend but it just came back to bite me in the butt...again. It takes quite a bit for me to open up to someone, but when I do it happens fast. I got my hopes up. A lot. But I won't get started on that. Overall, I'm lonely. I've become very frustrated with myself because I feel like I'm telling God that He's not enough for me. I don't want to rely on other people to establish my joy. I've got everything I need in Him. I know that. I just don't feel it right now. I know support and accountability are critical in a close relationship with Christ. He calls us to community. But I'm trying to get to the point that I can be content with simply resting in the fact that I'm a child of God. Circumstances are irrelevent when faced with the truth of who He is and who I am in Him.
I'm just trying to get all this out in the open. I've avoided it for too long. There are lots of things I know I need to work on so I'm laying it all on the table. When thinking about going into the ministry, the whole people skills thing is one of the things I worry about the most. Cause people are kind of a big priority in the whole ministry thing. Yeah. I'm excited about what God's doing in my life right now. Even though I'm having a hard time, I'm looking forward to what's in store. Thanks for listening. Once again, sorry it's so long.
Peace.
