My first pumpkin carving experience!

I don't think I've ever been so proud of anything in my entire life. :oD

Happy Halloween!

Yep, today's Halloween...and I've already eaten too much candy. But hey, I actually have an excuse today. I wonder if we'll have any trick-or-treaters. There are a few kids in our neighborhood so we probably will. How cute. I've got a pretty busy day. I'm going to carve a pumpkin in a little while...for the first time ever! I'm so excited. I even found a really cool design, but it's a surprise. I'll post a pic of my pumpkin when I finish. Tonight I'm going to a cookout for our small group. That should be fun.

I actually had a really good weekend for the first time in quite a while. Rita Springer led worship at Encounter Thursday night, which was the bomb diggity. Friday, I went to Emmaus. It was kind of cold, but well worth it. I won't be able to make it to the next Walk because it's the weekend of the Auburn/Alabama game. I'm so bummed. Why in the world would they schedule a MEN's Walk on the weekend of the biggest football game of the year!? I understand there are only certain times they can get the camp, but come on. It's that weekend every single year. At least make it a women's walk. Oh well, I'm sure it will still be "the best Walk ever." Saturday was the Ole Miss game. Winning was great...practicing in freezing weather at 6:30 wasn't so great. After the game, I came home, ate a quick lunch/supper, took a shower, and headed to Prattvegas for a bonfire birthday party! For future reference, Keith Harris does not give the easiest directions. He said to follow the glow sticks...but he didn't specify to walk. So here I am in the dark, driving down this old eroded dirt road, when I finally figure out that I'm stuck. The guys tried to put my blazer in 4-wheel drive but it's weird and wouldn't work. As if that wasn't enough, I ran out of gas because of the steep incline. When it seemed all hope was lost, Matt Hunt (my hero) came and tied my car to his jeep and pulled it backwards all the way back up the hill. It was quite an adventure. We chilled around a bonfire the rest of the night. After that, I hung out with Sam and Nick at Sam-bo's house. It was great seeing everybody. Of course, I had just seen most of them less than a week before at church. I need to get a job or something, because gas prices are awful but I can't just stop going to Prattville. There are so many awesome people up there, and they make me feel so special. I feel wanted and valued. I can't count how many hugs I got. Those Prattvillians are a hugging bunch of folks...maybe that's why I fit in so well. I love hugs! I can just be myself around them and have a good time. I just wish we got to hang out more than a few times a year. Oh well. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but it still stinks.

I definitely needed that this weekend. It's just not been a good semester. I'm trying to push myself more. I've been putting more effort into school, even though it's torture. I'm trying to have a better attitude about things. I'm trying not to get caught up in going through the motions. I'm trying to learn when to let go and move on. I'm trying to stop relying so much on other people. Yep, I'm trying. Maybe the effort will pay off. I really hope so...

Yesss...

My blog is worth $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
How much is your blog worth?

Okay, so maybe I cheated a little bit. It originally said $0.00 :o(

Break time

So I've been reading this Human Odyssey crap for the past hour, and I had to take a break. If not, then my brain's just going to overload. I seriously hate this stuff. So I decided to do a little blogging. I guess I'll just type the first things that come to my head.

I'm really tired. I didn't get out of bed until a little before noon. I tried to go to sleep during the stupid film at the HO lab, but no luck. I tried to take a nap when I got home, but once again, no luck. I really want to go to sleep now, but I need to finish reading this crap.

I went grocery shopping at the gas station tonight. I wasn't planning on getting anything besides some Coke, but I decided to load up. I need to stop eating out so much. Seriously, every single thing I eat is fast food. Subway, McDonalds, Chick-fil-a, and Momma G's is what I live off of. However, I'm not sure that the stuff I bought is any healthier. Let's see...I got potato chips, tuna fish, boiled peanuts, cheese popcorn, ice-cream, Ritz crackers(for the tuna), and Froot loops. I think that's it. Needless to say, I've been pigging out tonight.

I went to Atlanta to see Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, and Louie Giglio last Thursday. It was absolutely awesome. It was perfect because Chris is my favorite singer and Louie is my favorite speaker. It was kind of weird sitting between complete strangers, but it was worth it. I needed it.

I've decided that I need to stop being so passive. I've always been that way. I've been told by a lot of people that I'm "too nice". It seems like people always find ways to take advantage of me. I VERY rarely say what I want, even if it's something simple like where to eat. I'm happy when other people are happy, even if I'm not really happy...did that make any sense at all? I've always just kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to be selfish. But I need to start standing up for myself. There's a difference between being selfless and letting people run over you. I'm going to try to stop being so passive. I've just got to.

I really don't want to go back to reading.

We're going to the LSU game this weekend. We've got 2 performances of Friday night right after we get into town. We're driving back to Auburn right after the game, which really stinks because I can't sleep on a bus. I have a hard enough time sleeping in a bed. So needless to say, I'll be very tired on Sunday. But I am excited about the bus ride. Is that weird? I love long bus rides. It gives me that chance to just chill and think. Hopefully we'll win the game.

I'm ready for Christmas. Hopefully I'll get to work at the Merry-go-round again this year. It's a lot of fun, and it's good money. Everybody needs to come ride.

I really want to go to bed, so I guess I better attempt to read this stuff. Blah.

Halley's Night Out

1. Dinner at Mikata- my favorite restaurant ever

2. Wandered around the mall- for some reason I was in a punk rock mood (how random?) so I bought a Fender guitar shirt and a cool hat

3. Brusters- birthday cake ice-cream...yum

4. Ms. Pac Man- coolest game ever

5. Movie- Just Like Heaven- very good, highly recommended

6. Home- going to bed so I can sleep late tomorrow!

Halley's Night Out=good time...even though I gained about ten pounds and I'm broke...well worth it.

Really long vent

I've realized a lot during these last couple of months. I guess I needed to realize it, but the process definitely wasn't fun. Overall, this semester has pretty much been miserable. I'm not enjoying school at all, and I have to force myself to go to class. I just don't care anymore. I've never liked school, but I've always had motivation to do well. I doubt anyone here would be able to guess that I finished historian of my class in high school. It's just not there anymore. But school's not the biggest thing on my mind. I'm just so angry at myself. I've always tried to make sure I didn't let the circumstances in my life determine my happiness. For the most part, I've succeeded in that. But lately, I've just let everything build up to the point that I'm never happy. I know that I'm soooo blessed and I don't deserve any of it. Sure, things aren't how I would like them but could they ever be? I've always tried to stand firm in the fact that God is ALL I need. And I still know that deep down inside, but I've been focusing more on what I want. I've always struggled with being alone. It's been one of my biggest fears since I was young. And I've always gone through periods in my life where I felt completely alone. I've never understood how so many wonderful people that I really felt were there for me could come in and out of my life like they do. I can track it back to when I was five years old. My best friend moved away and I haven't seen her since. Since then, friends, youth directors, family members, and mentors have come and gone either by moving, death, circumstances we don't need to go into, and by pure choice. I think that's why I have such a hard time trusting people and laying myself out there. I know I'm going to lose them, so what's the point? Honestly, every single time I get close to someone, I lose them. Every time. And when it rains, it pours. It seems like it's all at one time. Sr. year, between August and November I lost three very important people in my life. The reasons for two didn't make the situation any easier. I can't even think about it. I felt so totally alone, and it was only by the grace of God that I made it through. That's what I tend to lose focus of. Even when I feel completely alone, I'm not. And I know that, I really do. It would just be nice to have "love with skin on" as my old preacher used to put it. I can't physically hug God. I can't verbally carry on a conversation with Him. I don't say this to discredit God or His power by any means. It's just really hard. Okay, now to what I've realized. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything. I haven't completely depended on God as my rock in quite a while, and I guess that's because everything was going so great. I had the best summer I've ever had. It was awesome. The thing is, I was growing closer to God and learning more about it. Spiritually, I was on top of a mountain. I guess I can kind of compare it to Job. I was happy, things were going great, so I was spiritually content. But I wasn't relying on God; I wasn't humble to the fact that He is the only thing that is consistent in my life. Now, I have no choice but to acknowledge that He is all I need. I've been in one of the deepest valleys spiritually these past couple of months. I feel like I've failed God. I feel like I'm such a disappointment to Him because I'm feeling all of these things. I'm being tested, and I'm failing miserably. He's given me so much, and here I am complaining. What do I have to complain about? I've yet to find a difficult circumstance or event in my life that didn't bring me closer to God. And most of that had to do with becoming so humble that I knew that God was the ONLY thing that could bring me through. Deep down I know that this time in my life will be no different. But right now, I still feel so dry. I'm ashamed. I'm allowing my circumstances to determine my happiness. I should be happy just to be a child of God. That should be enough for me. And I'm mad at myself for not allowing it to be. I'm just praying that God will give me the strength to get through this.
Here are some lyrics that really encourage me.

"You give and take away, you give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." -DCB

"God wants to hear you sing when the waves are crashing round you
When the firey darts surround you, when despair is all you see
God wants to hear your voice when the wisest man has spoken
And says your circumstance is as hopeless as can be
That's when God wants to hear you sing.
He loves to hear our praise on our cheerful days
When the pleasant times outweigh the bad by far
But when suffering comes along and we still bring him songs
That is when we bless the Father's heart." -Greater Vision

That's what I want to do. I want to bless the Father's heart. It's just so hard. But I do feel a little better. Venting is nice, even if it is to a computer screen. I used to think that it damaged my witness to talk about things like this. I'm supposed to be strong...I'm supposed to be perfect...I can't fail or people will think I'm not a good disciple. You know what? All that is crap. I am weak, and any strength I do have comes only from God. I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be. And I do fail... a lot. I know I can't do it on my own. Now I realize that sharing my struggles is more of a witness to people. The Christian life isn't supposed to be easy. But God is always there to pick me up time and time again. God, give me strength.